As the season of love emerges yet again, many people seek to find their personal definitions of love and connection. And, because marketing permeates our day-to-day interactions, some may even be feeling pressure to do so. The weight of this pressure, as expected, births many concepts and ideologies in direct juxtaposition to these proposed celebrations - therein lies the dilemma.

If a dating coach, or anything of the sort, has come across your social media algorithm in the past few months, you might be familiar with the concept of decentering romance. The theory suggests that, by removing the importance romantic relationships play in your life, you make room for more opportunities for happiness and fulfillment. This theory is not yet clinically defined; however, it does have roots in mindfulness.

How Practicing Mindfulness Can Transform Your Life

Balance and mindfulness are interconnected pieces; if your focus lies too heavily in one area of your life, it is nearly impossible to be present and show up as your full self. Therefore, if finding or maintaining a romantic relationship is your overwhelming priority, it may be difficult to utilize your energy toward other efforts (such as self-love, maintaining familial and platonic relationships, etc.) In this context, decentering romance may be perceived as a helpful suggestion. However, many of the narratives surrounding this theory have a tone that undermines the importance romance plays in the lives of many.

While romantic relationships are not the only meaningful connections that exist in our lives, that does not negate the effort necessary to put forth if romance is something that you desire. You may be asking by now how this applies to your therapeutic journey. To answer this question, let’s take a look at two additional concepts: codependency and interdependency.

Understanding the Roots of Codependency

Codependency can be generally defined as an excessive emotional and/or psychological reliance on others; it is often characterized by low self-esteem, difficulty setting boundaries, and a tendency to neglect your own needs for the needs or desires of others. Interdependency, on the other hand, is defined as a mutual reliance that involves a balance of self and others; this can be characterized by empathy, clear communication, and flexibility of prioritizing your own needs or the needs of others depending on the circumstances.

When attempting to determine whether decentering romance will be a useful tool for you, you might first ask yourself if you lean toward practicing codependency or interdependency. The answer to this question will lead you to your next step: setting personal goals.

Effective Goal Setting Techniques

In the therapeutic environment, goal-setting is one of the crucial elements to motivation, achievement, and maintenance of desired outcomes. Therapeutic goals are developed using factors that are within your control. While this might seem counterintuitive to relationships, it is possible to set personal goals that impact the way you show up to those spaces.

If you find yourself to be codependent, to whatever degree, you might consider setting goals that address this trait and how it influences the way in which you interact with yourself and others. If you have an interdependent mindset, you might consider setting more introspective goals that help you to analyze and clearly define what you require from a relationship. As a reminder, goals are person-specific and will differ depending on what is feasible; take your time and set goals that feel right for you.

Building Stronger Connections

Whether you are seeking a romantic relationship, already in one, or somewhere in between, your desires are valid. Decentering romance does not have to mean that you neglect it. Instead, if the concept appeals to you, it can be a call to reassess and reframe the way you pursue it. A mindful and honest consideration of your own motivations can help you to create a framework for yourself that results in more meaningful connections overall.

Whether you determine the focus should be on yourself for now, or that you’re ready to shift some to others, keep on loving!