The Role of Touch in Couple’s Sexuality
We can often get stuck in one way of thinking about touch, affection, and intimacy with our partner. In reality, there are many different forms of touch, each serving a different purpose and meeting a different need. This post presents the “Five Dimensions of Touch” to expand upon the understanding touch in our relationship, along with preferences and desires.
A foundational idea is that the essence of couple sexuality is sharing pleasure-oriented touch. Sexuality encompasses far more than intercourse. All types of touch have a role and no one type of touch is inherently better than another. The purpose of this exercise is to facilitate dialogue with a focus on enhancing sexual desire and pleasure.
The Five Dimensions of Touch
The 5 Dimensions of Touch can also be viewed as are five gears, with a 1 to 10 scale of subjective pleasure/arousal. It helps to develop a common language to facilitate communication and embrace a variable, flexible approach to intimacy, touching, sexuality, and intercourse. The invitation is to read and discuss the following descriptions of each of the gears, and complete Part 1 and 2 below.
Affectionate Touch (1st Gear)
Clothes-on touching, such as holding hands, hugging, or kissing.
Affectionate touch is not sexual, but it provides the foundation for intimate attachment.
Subjective arousal is anchored at 1.
Sensual Touch (2nd Gear)
Non-genital pleasuring which can be clothed, semi-clothed, or nude.
Sensual touch includes a head, back, or foot rub; cuddling on the couch while watching a DVD, a trust position where you feel safe and connected, cradling each other as you go to sleep or wake.
Sensual touch is an integral part of couple sexuality. It has value in itself as well as a bridge to sexual desire at that time or later.
Subjective arousal 1-3.
Playful Touch (3rd Gear)
Intermixes genital pleasuring with non-genital touch (usually semi-clothed or nude).
Playful touch can include touching in the shower or bath, full body massage, seductive dancing, or games. What makes playful touch inviting is the enhanced sense of pleasure and unpredictability.
Playful touch is valuable in itself and/or can serve as a bridge to sexual desire.
Subjective arousal 4-5.
Erotic Touch (4th Gear)
This is the most challenging gear. Erotic, non-intercourse touch can include manual, oral, rubbing, or vibrator stimulation.
Erotic scenarios and techniques are an integral part of couple sexuality providing a sense of vitality, creativity, and unpredictability. Erotic touch can be mutual or one-way. It can proceed to orgasm or transition to intercourse.
Subjective arousal 6-10.
Intercourse (5th Gear)
There are two crucial concepts in integrating intercourse into the gears of connection approach.
First, intercourse is a natural continuation of the pleasuring/eroticism process, not a pass-fail sex performance test.
Second, transition to intercourse at high levels of erotic flow (7 or 8) and continue multiple stimulation during intercourse.
Subjective arousal 7-10.
What type of touch do you prefer? What type of touch do you receive?
Each parter separately considers the percentage of each type of touch they currently receive versus how much they desire. Then come together to discuss your feelings and preferences. Focus on your own individual experience. For example, “I like it best when...”, “I’d like to try...”, or “I am not aroused by...”. Stay away from criticism or blame.
This week, at least once, maybe twice, practice sensual or playful touch. Either partner is allowed to veto touch if it is not pleasurable. Reading and talking about touch and sexuality is good, but change comes in enacting it. That is, actually participating in the exercises.
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If you need help in addressing issues and obstacles to a healthy and thriving sex life, a sex therapist can help. Either through individual or couples sessions, a holistic sex therapist can help you uncover and work through obstacles to embracing your sexuality.
Source: McCarthy, B. & McCarthy, E. (2019). Enhancing Couple Sexuality.
