Grief and Lost Religion: When You No Longer Believe
Religious deconversion or religious deconstruction is the process by which an individual comes to reject their previous beliefs about religion and its role in one’s life. In a scholarly article published in the Journal of Religion and Health titled “Religious Deconversion as a Transitioning Process: A Case Study Analysis,” social researcher Eva Y. Cohen discusses the intense personal struggles that some people experience when moving from being an active participant in organized religion to an individual who no longer identifies with any religious practices or beliefs.
Many people find a new, authentic voice after rejecting the faith of their parents or their own childhood. In these transformations, or the process of religious deconversion, an individual moves away from religion, certain spiritual beliefs or rules, or a particular religious group, in a conscious and thoughtful way.
If you’ve recently left your faith, it may feel like everyone around you thinks you’ve gone crazy. You may even feel crazy yourself, feeling ungrounded and lost after letting go of the rules and structures that once felt so certain and unmovable. Friends and family may not understand what drove you away from your faith, and they may not be able or willing to get it anytime soon.
There are many pressures on members of religious communities to conform to certain behaviors and practices, especially when those communities have strict rules regarding membership or belief. A person may leave their faith for personal reasons, a loss of trust in the church or its leadership, or a conflict in beliefs that may have been a long time brewing.
Walking away from a belief system that has been present in your life for a long time can be lonely, isolating, and disorienting. You may also experience Religious Trauma Syndrome (RTS).
Religious Deconversion: A Brief History
Deconversion is a recent term, and it has gone by a variety of names. In the late 19th century, the term “conversion” was used to describe the change of religion or religious affiliation. In the early 20th century, a variety of new terms describing religious changes were proposed, such as “loss of faith,” “religion departure,” and “religion change.” These terms were often used to describe those who moved away from religion in general, not from one specific faith or denomination.
The term “deconversion” was first used in the 1930s. It was intended to mean a wholesale change in religious faith, usually from Christianity to agnosticism or atheism. Later, the term was applied to individuals moving from one denomination to another. The term “deconversion” was revived in the 1980s to describe a change in religious identity and beliefs from one specific religion to another specific religion.
Existential Crises and Meaning Making
Many religious people have a strong sense of identity and purpose that comes from their beliefs. The life stages of youth, marriage, and parenthood often demand a new and greater level of commitment to religious practices.
Religious people often find a sense of meaning and purpose in their faith-based practices as well as a sense of belonging to a community that shares similar beliefs. While this can be a positive experience, it can also be psychologically taxing. During certain life transition, trauma, or crisis, cognitive dissonance may arise, perhaps leading to an existential crisis. An existential crisis occurs when a person becomes overwhelmed by feelings of meaninglessness, anxiety, and/or despair.
Depression and Anxiety
For some people, religious deconversion is accompanied by a period of depression or anxiety. This is often due to the loss of social support that occurs when a person leaves their religious community. Social support is key to managing mental health, and without it, some people may experience a painful or prolonged depression.
What can you do if you’re depressed after leaving your religion? First, you must acknowledge that you are experiencing a real, biological health issue that requires attention and care. Then you should reach out to others for support. Reach out to members of your family who support you, and find a therapist who can help you work through the feelings of loss and grief you might be experiencing.
Social Isolation and Rejection
Religious deconversion often leads to social isolation and rejection by one’s own family members, who may view the individual’s decision to leave their faith as an act of betrayal. Religious identity is often intertwined with racial, ethnic, and national notions of identity, so it may be difficult for some people to separate their ethnic or cultural identity from their religious identity.
Family members who are invested in the idea that religion is a necessary aspect of their ethnic or cultural identity may feel personally rejected and shamed when a family member rejects their religious beliefs. This is especially true if the individual has been involved in religious activities, like leading a youth group or teaching Sunday school, that place them in a position of authority in the family.
Self-Care Strategies for Deconverting
There are many ways you can support yourself during your religious deconversion. You may change your style of dress or appearance to reflect a more “you” aesthetic. You can also find new hobbies or activities that bring you joy, like playing an instrument, reading for pleasure, or taking a dance class.
It can be helpful to reach out to other people who are going through a religious deconversion or who have gone through the process in the past. It can be comforting to know you are not alone. Organizations such as the Recovery from Religion and The Secular Therapy Project have many resources available.
There are number of memoirs and books available that include first-person accounts of religious deconversion, leaving high-control religious groups, and finding new purpose and meaning free from religion (or with a new view of religion). Here are a few that I have enjoyed:
Pure: Inside the Evangelical Movement That Shamed a Generation of Young Women and How I Broke Free by Linda Kay Klein
Faith Unraveled by Rachel Held Evans
Religious Refugees by Mark Gregory Harris
Breaking Free: How I Escaped Polygamy, the FLDS Cult, and My Father, Warren Jeffs by Rachel Jeffs
Heretic: A Memoir by Jeanna Kadlec
Finding a Religious Deconversion Therapist
Many therapists are trained to deal with a wide variety of mental health issues, but only a small percentage are trained to work with religious deconversion. You can find a therapist who specializes in religious deconversion by searching online, asking your therapist if they have experience with this issue, and talking to your therapist about your needs.
Deconversion is a challenging experience, but it doesn’t have to be devastating. You can find support and get the help you need if you’re willing to reach out to others and ask for help. Remember, you’re not crazy, and you’re not alone.
Help for Your Deconversion Journey
Religious deconversion is a personal journey. There is no right way to do it, and there is no right destination that you must end up at. If you are struggling to break away from religion, or have already done so but don’t know what to do next, know that there are resources out there to help you.
When your religious beliefs no longer fit and you are in the process of religious deconstruction, it can be an intense and stressful process. It can also be liberating and empowering, especially with support and nonjudgmental encouragement.
A therapist who understands religious trauma, spiritual abuse, and the complexities of leaving a religious community and belief system can help.
