Parenting Beyond the Gender Binary
In recent years, more attention and understanding has been given to conceptualizations of gender outside of the male/female binary. However, there is still progress to be made in removing stigma, misunderstanding, and pathologizing individuals who identify with a gender that is different than what they were assigned at birth.
It is not easy to break out of the gender binary — many of us have been taught fairly rigid conceptualizations of gender roles, norms, expressions as well as sexuality. Research shows that the best approach for supporting transgender and nonbinary children and youth is by providing acceptance and affirmation. This position allows children to internalize and live into self-acceptance and an empowered sense of self-determination.
An openness, curiosity, and humility are essential elements of any attempt to grow beyond past limitations, restrictions, or biases. Such an attitude allows you to also acknowledge and recognize judgmental voices that may point to your own fears around letting go of entrenched and ideas that are no longer accurate or relevant.
This article humbly attempts to expand awareness by outlining the key concepts in the modern understanding of gender and how to best support trans and nonbinary persons in our community and beyond. Knowledge is a first step, followed by action and advocacy. Additionally, I make a suggestion for parents and caregivers who are adjusting to the unique gender journey of their own children and teens.
Gender Basics
A first step to an understanding of a contemporary view of gender requires understanding how terms like sex, gender, and sexuality differ. Each of these concepts is different and independent of one another.
Sex is based on the parts (genitals and sex organs) an individual is born with. These parts may be male, female, or intersex. At times sex and gender are incorrectly used interchangeably.
Gender refers to internal gender identity. Gender is typically assigned at birth based on biological sex and the majority of individuals have a sex they feel matches with their gender. These people are referred to as cisgender.
When someone’s gender identity does not match with their sex at birth, they are transgender. Some may refer to being “assigned male at birth” (AMAB) or “assigned female at birth” (AFAB).
Regardless of sex, an individual may identify as male, female, a blend of both, neither, or different genders at different times. This identification may be known from an early age, or it may reveal itself later in life. Each person’s gender journey is unique to them. As caregivers, it is important to allow children the freedom to explore and expand their gender identity as a natural part of development.
Gender Expression is how one chooses to externally demonstrate gender through clothing, hairstyle, mannerisms, etc. This expression may change or develop over time, based on culture and other social factors. Sexual Orientation refers to attraction and desired romantic & sexual attention (e.g. heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, or pansexual). Gender identity and sexual orientation are separate concepts. Again, assumptions cannot be made about what one means about the other.
Becoming a Gender-Affirming Parent
While there are many ways to be part of advocacy and eduction for gender diversity, the reminders below are a good place to start and to challenge yourself to incorporate into your perspective:
Everyone has a unique gender identity. Your’s is unique to you. Your child’s is unique to them.
Listen more than you talk. Go slow and allow your child’s journey to unfold.
Communicate from a place of compassion, respect, openness, and support.
Remember that gender cannot be assumed by outer appearance. Challenge yourself to avoid gendered language as your default. Bringing this mindfulness to your use of language may reveal just how often gender assumptions appear day to day - at the grocery store, coffee shop, or playground.
Help normalize the distinction between gender and appearance by sharing your pronouns. Pronouns can easily be added to a email signature or name tag. Or simply practice adding when you introduce yourself: “Hi, I’m Stacey and my pronouns are she/her.”
Connect with yourself. Take the time to explore your own inner reservations and blocks to really hearing your child. Bring a curiosity to the emotions and reactions that arise within you when topics or people outside of the gender binary come up. What is the emotion? Who’s voice does it speak in? What does it say and what is it worried about or afraid of? What old stories about gender is it time to let go of?
Gender is an internal experience for each individual, your child included. They are the expert on their own gender experience. As with so many other areas of parenting, your key role is in observing, affirming, and assisting as needed.
Being transgender or nonbinary is not a choice, but based on voicing and acknowledging an alignment with one’s true gender self or identity, and letting go of a false gender self.
Release the illusion of control. The is the illusion that we can control who are children are or are going to be. Letting go of this attempt to control can release a huge burden of anxiety and allow an appreciation, recognition, and relaxing with exactly who they are.
Therapy and Coaching to Support Parents of Gender Diverse Kids
Parenting a gender diverse child is a unique and rewarding experience. We are here to support you every step of the way. Our therapy and coaching services for gender exploration provide a safe and nurturing space for parents to explore their own feelings, gain knowledge, and build the necessary skills to create an inclusive and affirming environment for their child. Together, we can foster understanding, celebrate diversity, and empower parents to navigate the journey of gender diverse parenting with confidence and love.
As a parent, it is natural to want to provide the best support and understanding for your child as they navigate their gender identity. We offer therapy and coaching services specifically designed to support parents and kids navigating gender identity. Our compassionate and knowledgeable therapists are here to provide guidance, resources, and a safe space for parents to explore their own emotions, gain understanding, and foster a supportive and affirming atmosphere for their child.
If you are a parent of a gender diverse child seeking support, guidance, and community, we invite you to reach out and connect with our compassionate therapists. Contact us today to schedule a free consultation and begin your journey towards supporting and celebrating your child's gender diversity.
Resources for Further Reading
This article is just a start on a topic that is quickly gaining interest as knowledge and personal stories of gender-expansive children and individuals is shared. I recommend the resources below for further reading.
To learn more about counseling for parents and gender-expansive children, contact Perspectives for a free consultation. Our team of compassionate and knowledgable therapists is available to support you and your child’s journey of gender exploration and questioning.
FOR PARENTS
The Conscious Parent's Guide to Gender Identity: A Mindful Approach to Embracing Your Child's Authentic Self by Darlene Tando
The Gender Creative Child: Pathways for Nurturing and Supporting Children Who Live Outside Gender Boxes by Diane Ehrensaft PhD
FOR KIDS
The Gender Identity Workbook for Kids: A Guide to Exploring Who You Are by Noah Grigni and Kelly Storck
The Every Body Book: The LGBTQ+ Inclusive Guide for Kids about Sex, Gender, Bodies, and Families by Rachel Simon
The Pants Project by Cat Clarke